This is amazing.
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..