This is amazing.
You Might Also Like
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
This kinda thing happens to me often
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.