This is amazing.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me recordaron éste meme
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
