Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

ME: *tells my kid anything*
KID: i know i know i know

ME: *asks my kid anything*
KID: i don’t know

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.