This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.