This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
May have had one breakfast too many
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most