This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.