Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”