Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
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GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice