“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
At least try to make it slightly believable
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.