“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The news is so predictable nowadays
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes