“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You Might Also Like
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*