Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

when u come home smelling like another dog

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.