Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.