I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.