Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
shut up and take my money
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.