“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”