“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Sponch
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
When you’re Kinky but poor
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
get you a girl who
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me