Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

pictures of spider-man

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.