This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
feetloaf
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
🤣🤣🤣
