This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real