Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

*jazz hands*

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes