Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Money is the root of all wealth

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler