Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Anarchy

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island