This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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