Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Me: Do I have to?

And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

accurate

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet