This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.