This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.