Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Awwwww shit.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

🙂🙃🥹