Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Real House Wines.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.