Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers