This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
sensitive skin
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??