This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
More like Kate Missington.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
Quadruple digit IQ
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.