This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You Might Also Like
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Boating season is upon us.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I love art.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.