This is Damn delicious!๐๐๐
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Her: Iโd love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. โWhat?โ to this person?
Me: You said you wouldnโt dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure ๐ญ
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[last supper]
judas: this couldโve been an email
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why I divorced her.
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:โItโs too desperate.โ J:โHowโd you find out?โ G:โIโm on both.”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When someone asks me why Iโm leaving the party early, I say โIโm late for an appointment with my pajamas.โ
cicadas cotton eyed joe
๐ค
where did they come from?
where did they go????
there has never been a better use of this meme
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Cop: So, Iโm writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: Youโre going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say โbet you wonโt send it backโ but our wives made us stop
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.