Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.