This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?