This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.