Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..