This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.