This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
just gave your address to some spiders
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
A roof is a house hat.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.