Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage