Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Camping tip: No.

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting