This is enough internet for the day.
You Might Also Like
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?