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I can’t be the only one 😂
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Reminder:
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?