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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I fixed it. For me
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Today’s tshirt
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?