This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied