Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Me as a therapist: omg same

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*