This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.