Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

File under excellent bookstore names.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

R.I.P.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.