Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

I love snow

– People who never shovel

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft