This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
my first day as a raccoon
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”