Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal