This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof