This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
What my back needs
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.