This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.