This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.