This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.