This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Inside you there are two wolves
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me