This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
fair
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
the three branches of government
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.