This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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The game has officially changed 😎
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.