This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.