This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.