This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
SPLOOT
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.