Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

The Punning Dead.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”