Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”