Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in