“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions