Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

One of the best

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Welcome to the stomach

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.