“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.