this is funnier than any friends episode
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?