this is funnier than any friends episode
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I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
How to make infinite energy.
