Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

i dont have time for this

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.