This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch