Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i smell a pulitzer

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

(Jupiter –

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.