This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Hmm, not sure about this change
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
happy valentine’s day to me
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.