This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
wait.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Good morning
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk