This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.