Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.